A Forced Stop

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

I thought I could push through.

Friday morning, I woke up feeling off. My skin felt too warm, I had the sniffles, and when I tried to get up I couldn't because everything hurt. Especially my back -- it was like a heavy solid stone, super tense and all knotted up everywhere. I had been feeling its beginnings the day before but I ignored it. It started after I did another overtime that lasted until 4 AM, all the while tense and hunched over my laptop trying to make my hands and my brain work faster and harder.

My body was sending signals, but I, as always, negotiated with them. Just get through today, I told myself. But my body, fed up with my stubbornness, had other plans. By mid-morning, I had to admit defeat. I filed a sick leave and surrendered to rest, convinced that a day off would be enough to reset. (All the while stressing over the work that isn't getting done and how I am supposed to squeeze all those undone into the time that will be left before the deadlines.)

It wasn’t enough.

By Saturday, the discomfort had escalated into something undeniable. I was no longer negotiating with a mild inconvenience, I was facing a full rebellion. My body wasn’t just nudging me to slow down—it was demanding intervention. The kind I couldn’t fix with a nap or an extra shot of supplements.

I had a scheduled body alignment and therapy but they said they couldn't do the treatment given my level of pain (8 out of 10). They just gave me a hot compress treatment and a foot reflexology to help things along but they refused to mess with my already painful back.

So I had to go to the doctor, get a real consult, and take a prescription. I had to acknowledge that I had let things slide too far. I kept pushing myself instead of pushing back.

It’s strange how easy it is to ignore yourself until you physically can’t anymore. I’ve always been aware of my tendency to overextend—stretching my energy thin, shoving my needs aside in favor of deadlines and responsibilities, and the fear of being judged for not being able to deliver which meant I would be dismissed, ignored, and become invisible again. All of my previous work achievements cancelled, and having to work to prove myself again.

But there’s a limit to how much one can override one's body before it forces a shutdown. And that’s exactly what happened. Again. (I never seem to learn it for real.)

This time I ran out of the magic. I also literally ran out of strength and capacity. The pains became so bad I couldn't even stay long in activities I liked -- I couldn't watch shows, I could read books, I couldn't make art. I had to stay in bed, groaning with every movement. And the prescribed meds also forced me to sleep, with drowsiness hitting about half an hour after every dose. Even going to the bathroom was difficult, and I let out a sound of pain with every step, moving along like a very old weak and sickly woman.

I haven't been mentally well too. The stress of being sick and the thought of work made the anxiety and panic stronger, regaining ground over what my brain meds had already covered.

Yesterday I did something I have never done in all my years of work. I wrote and sent an email asking for help and consideration for deadlines to be moved and schedules changed. I pushed back instead of just pushing myself. I wrote it stiffened in pain, not wanting to go through this discomfort again anytime soon or anytime ever. I have reached my limits. And even then my thoughts were going like: Surely they won't fire me for this? Or deduct from my salary? Or cancel me out? Yes, I clearly have a lot of trauma from my younger years still hounding me today.

Tomorrow I go back to work, not yet 100% but I could already sit up and I would just have to take more breaks than usual to lie down and stretch. My medicines go on for the rest of the week so I have back-up to fight against the strain I will put myself through again.

I actually posted this on my Threads where I am most myself:

When and how did I become a person who is stressing out to justify why I didn't prioritize work over the weekend and why did I not work during my sick leave? I have been sick since Friday and all I could think about is how to explain why no work was done since then because now schedules will have to be changed and deadlines moved.

And this, for me, is alarming. This is not work-life harmony. This is also more than the issue of work-life harmony. The old traumas are resurfacing. I need another round of healing. I may need to keep on healing for the rest of my life. But now that I am aware, I will and should take more care.

Hence I am taking the time to write this, as one way to heal. Send any good energies you can spare, they will be much appreciated! ^_^