Daily Thirty is 30 minutes everyday of giving myself space to just sit down and write anything. It's for calming, therapy, grounding.
This week is not my best week.
It's partly the heat. It just drains my energy.
And my brain has been extra extra extra busy lately, thoughts and ideas and plans spilling all over the place.
And my body just collapsing in the heat and the fatigue of everyday caretaking on top of a full-time job.
And people wonder why I don't want a family of my own.
My ultimate goal is to go solo. Be independent with a comfortable life and to have enough money to just pay other people to do the things that suck out my dopamine.
Currently I am feeling an imbalance in my days. Too much work and too little of life. Too much responsibility at home and too little of life.
At work I do not have enough time for the important-but-not-urgent things, the long-haul/ long-term projects that will yield compounding returns when completed and implemented. I do not have enough time to learn more for myself so I can bring better things to a project.
At home I could barely keep up with all the shoulds to ensure that my sick parent just doesn't drop dead, or worse fall into a long period of suspended death while everyone else around just sort of dies along.
And lately I am getting irritable that there is so little cooperation and appreciation for all that I do. Yes I am needy for validation. There are days when that hits hard. There are days that I don't care. Except that lately I am also seeing and feeling how my own future is being put at risk.
On top of an undiagnosed ADHD. Which make me a "natural failure" at normal life while also occasionally hitting a jackpot with my unique skills and mental (double-edged) gifts at work and in my attempts at being an artist.
Yes I will tend to be repetitive with my struggles and lament on this blog. But then, later on, I would like to savor any change for the better, and to remind myself how far I have come.
Good things? Let me think. I love the cats. I love my hair now with its new cut (a simple straight bob). I love how I now have a curtain door in my room so I can optimize the space that is usually eaten up by the actual door. I am glad that my medications are working somehow, not perfectly but making a significant difference. And I do have my overall health (I remember that Ally McBeal scene where she knocks her forehead on the wall and tells herself 'I have my health, I have my health' to compensate for all the broken hearts and life's disappointments and frustrations.)
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