Daily Thirty is 30 minutes everyday of giving myself space to just sit down and write anything. It's for calming, therapy, grounding.
I haven't been in a good place since Wednesday. So much so that I had to file a leave from work for the rest of the week and literally drop all work responsibilities for a moment.
The ADHD symptoms are starker and stronger than ever. I laugh and react at all the Threads posts relating to living with it and then it's not exactly anything to laugh at when I am going through it for real. Nonstop noise in my head. Perpetually distracted and panicked and overwhelmed. The exhausting effort of forcefully directing myself to get things done. The dopamine chase and the dopamine deprivation.
I just want to be normal sometimes. Normal like getting things done without using up thrice the energy that normal people spend on getting the same things done. Being able to just start doing instead of fighting through the paralysis of executive dysfunction. Being able to focus from one task to the next without having to deal with the nonstop barrage of multi-thoughts demanding and shouting in my head.
Lately I have been stimming a lot as well. My left leg in superfast pumping as I keep myself still on a desk for work. Pumping even while having meals in the dining room or in restaurants that my sister has to tell me to stop because I am shaking the whole table.
The undone and half-done things piling up. Out of sight, out of mind. Hidy-up bins everywhere.
The need for sleep debilitates me as well, eating up extra time that I could have put into studio work. I couldn't maintain a baseline for my energy. I always begin with negative spoons.
I need a lump sum for a reset. Seriously.
My salary is still not enough. I am making half of what I used to make fourteen years ago. I keep having to fill in too many basics in the household because the mother was never one to care and preserve anything. So something is always broken or breaking down. I cannot even trust her hygiene habits so I cannot trust her to handle our food anymore. Not to mention that she also isn't willing to adapt new knowledge and habits to help make better healthier meals for everyone. She doesn't even eat with the rest of us at the dining table. She insists on taking her food to her desk in her little personal corner.
I am super broke at the moment because I had spent too much money on food deliveries because I didn't have the will, energy, and dopamine to cook for the past weeks after work and after all the house chores.
And when I am broke the depression slides in so easily. And I would rather not be but here I am. Not in a good place. Treading in dark waters and starting to get really really tired.
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