Two weeks back at work. I am on a kind of good streak mentally, it seems. The depression and anxiety are in the low levels, which gives me more clarity for each day. But the clarity also put in stark relief the symptoms of #ADHD.
I have been in constant doubt about my self-diagnosis because of the state of my anxiety and depression, which I thought might just be all there is.
But recently I have stumbled upon an experimental solution with positive results that has helped me rise above the anxiety and depression. What's left with me now are the familiar symptoms of time blindness, executive dysfunction, constant distraction and inattentiveness, and procrastination.
My room is currently back to a mess. My closet looks like it has been raided by the police looking for drugs. There are a gazillion empty and half-empty mugs on my desks. My desk surfaces can hardly be called surfaces. Mess is strewn all over the floor. Many things are misplaced and are therefore "missing".
At work, I am behind on many tasks and surviving purely on panic and pressure. I lose track of meeting discussions. I constantly miscalculate the time needed for tasks. I go on hyperfocus, skip meals and bathroom breaks, and later wonder why I don't feel so well.
But the difference now is that the symptoms remain true even with just a thin cloud of anxiety and depression. And these are the symptoms I have always assumed to be "normal" for me because I was "weird" all my life. I felt "weird" because I could see myself not falling into the mainstream of how things are done. I missed out or failed on all the major milestones of adulthood, thereby technically classifying my life now as a kind of failure.
I have been really, really good at my work but that was not enough with the ADHD. I kept getting derailed, overwhelmed, distracted, and misled. It took me a very long time to realize that I needed a certain kind of environment to truly thrive.
Yet even while I have found a company with which I can align my values and willing to accommodate me, the daily struggle is real. The distractions are real. The mental chaos is real -- there is so much noise, images, memory reels, what ifs, songs, movie lines, to-dos, stories, colors, ideas, eurekas, anything triggered by what I see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. A nonstop multiple feed in full volume and multicolor.
It is exhausting and it eats up a good chunk of my energy each day.
But I am also hopeful now because it looks like I am not just imagining my #neurodivergence. And I have also found a doctor specializing in it. With payday coming up I plan to set an appointment and soon, perhaps, I can begin a solid path towards healing and dealing, as well as getting more help.
May this day be kind to you.
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