The first week of the dayjob has worn me out so badly that I fell asleep right after dinner on Friday night and slept right through into the morning.
I need a full proper break to digest all the week's info and sensory overload, and to let the brain's backburner process what needs to be done to set up my work routines to complement rather than to railroad my life.
Started off Saturday with a full breakfast. Then a room re-arrangement to better fit the workdays. It's a space and transition issue. I don't want to keep on putting away the rest of my life to set up for work. Eventually, I want to be able to slip into studio mode at any time when I need to think or take a break.
In the shower, I had tiny epiphanies about what to do with work - now possible because I had my sleep. So I made notes for Monday and then left them off for Monday.
I should start on that new journal notebook. And decide on the theme for the 100-day project. I'm thinking I could start it on the first of February, which is also the Lunar New Year. Or start it tomorrow.
There are knots of thoughts bouncing in my head that need untangling.
The household responsibilities keep on weighing me down. It's like, I'm already doing all that I can at any given time and the nagging won't stop and sometimes I just want to scream. And then I still have to fix everything else and think ahead and plan for everything else WHILE I also have to work to have the money to keep everything going. And despite the paychecks coming in, budgets will remain extremely tight for most of the year as I take care of a lot of financial backlogs.
Last night my sister and I went time-traveling and took the pill that took us back to when we were six years old but with all the knowledge we already have now. We altered almost every decision we ever made and changed our lives. And then we came back to now and I thought what can I still change now? What can I start now?
Lately, there has been a part of me that is constantly apart and watching. It is a self that seems to pull at all the other selves when I feel like I'm going to break. It is a self that tells me, look. Look and see how this is not as big a problem as you think. It says, remember. Remember all that you have seen and done and realize this is no different in essence only in form. It says, trust. Trust yourself, trust your process. Your being here now is timely and serves a purpose.
It also says, you can walk out anytime. You are not the prisoner of a single decision. You can change, and in the process, you can change some things around you. But before you walk out, see what you can still do. Maybe walking in is also an option, a walking deeper, a walking through. To find doors and windows where there seem none.
I am way, way beyond my first youthful experience of making mistakes and causing trouble for myself and others. I know, though I sometimes forget, that the world does not end on my account. More than any other time in my life I am ready as much as I can ever be for the consequences of my life choices. Though I may have been cornered into certain decisions, how I live them out remains my choice every single day. As I have experienced through many years, there is always the unexpected help, the surprise boon, the serendipities, and the signs. The key is to listen, to trust, and to always choose to be true. The universe always speaks in many voices and many forms. The heart recognizes them better than the mind with its cautious over-thinking logic. Trust the heart. Trust even when the path forward is invisible.
(Truth: I am worried and I am scared. I feel that I really do not know what I am doing. I still feel I am an impostor.)
The dark night of the soul
comes just before revelation.
When everything is lost,
and all seems darkness,
then comes the new life
and all that is needed.
- Joseph Campbell
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