From Barely Surviving the Weekend to a Monday That Almost Broke Me Again

I barely made it through the weekend, but I did.

It wasn’t perfect, but there were moments. I had a moment at the therapist's when I allowed myself to want things again—not things that were necessary or practical, not things I had to justify to myself, but things that simply made me happy. Pretty things. Joyful things.

And moments where I let myself ask for support. That part still feels strange, like testing the weight of a bridge I’m not sure can hold me. But the bridge held strong and so I was able to cross the abyss this time. I was so close to just falling, falling, falling.

There was space, too. Somehow. Actual, physical space. I cleared up my room, inked my fountain pens, and fixed my studio desk so I could create again. It was a reclaiming, a small act of defiance against the relentless cycle of responsibility.

I went into Monday holding onto those pieces of myself, trying to believe they could last.

But Monday had other plans.

By late afternoon, I was drowning. The week had barely started, and already I was buried—new projects, new requirements, deadlines stacking up on top of an already overdue major report. And then, of course, the piling on.

The panic came fast, rising in my chest like a warning siren. I knew where this was headed. The overwhelm, the spiral, the automatic response to push harder, to be more, to do more. To let it consume me. Until I literally break down again. Find myself in the hospital like that tipping point moment in 2022...

But today, I stopped.

I forced myself to step back, to breathe, to ground. I needed to pull my perspective away from the rapid descent into panic. Again the counterintuitive move of stopping when in my head there is a loud shouting of "Don't stop! You can't afford to stop! You have to get everything done! Now! Now! Now!"

It’s exhausting. I almost cried.

So I stopped. Literally moved away from the laptop. Created distance. Looked at what’s humanly possible. Decided that I will do my best within what is humanly possible without risking my health, physical and mental. Will I get everything done? Maybe. I hope so.