I should have restarted work today, but I didn't. I couldn't. My brain was breaking down again, paralyzed by anxiety, crippled by depression. Throw in the doctor's underlying suspicion of bipolar disorder. It all sounds scary, but having names for what I'm going through helps me make sense. I am under medication. We are still in the process of figuring out the dose that will help me function best. Right now, I am struggling. Hard. I live in a house-full of triggers. I carry the curse and the burden of being the eldest daughter and a breadwinner.
I attended only one reunion during the holidays. With my father's family. Only one aunt asked if my sister and I really have no plans of having kids. She asked it kindly and with genuine curiosity. Everyone of our cousins were married with children.
Here is my genuine answer: I don't want any more responsibility. I'm good with the cats. Even if there are 22 of them. Still much more manageable for me than another human being. I am exhausted with parenting my parents that I don't want to parent anymore except for fur babies.
I crossed the threshold from the old year to the new with my room in half-order, half-chaos. Pretty much the mode of my life in most days. In some days, chaos wins.
Joy is so short-lived for me nowadays. All happinesses fade or are canceled quickly. Always the shadow and weight of the darkness in my head and in my heart loom over me. I know I can push back the darkness if I had more time and energy to make art, to dream, to cast the good spells. But responsibilities eat up all of it - the time, the energy, the attention. From work to household. It just won't stop. The neverending requirements, requests, duties, obligations.
This past holiday season must have been the worst in my life in terms of a "break". Work hounded me. Pressed upon me. A long list of urgent deadlines await me tomorrow morning when I will attempt to have some semblance of a headstart for next week. There is no other way but to hit the ground running wearing rocket shoes. I am already exhausted. This new year is already wearing me out fast.
I have no new year resolutions. I wish I could say this year I will thrive but I am still on survival mode. I wish I could dream again. I wish I could remember what hope feels. I wish I could remember what it's like to fall in love with life again.
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