So I've been thinking how almost everyone in my extro-FB (the FB account where I am my more acceptable self versus my intro-FB where I am most myself and where I keep an inner circle of friends) is just really sharing all the good stuff and no one's really ranting much or being vulnerable in any way and here I am, wanting to spill out into various degrees of possible over-sharing. So I have to remember to go to the intro-FB for that, which leaves me with very little to share in the extro-FB because my life doesn't have the same kind of successes, milestones, experiences, and resources as everyone else in that space seems to have which I don't, like they all passed a secret test and received the big reward that set them for life.
Hence so far I've shared art, food, and cats. Often tight shots so the grime of the house is not too visible, grime from many years of neglect before my sister and I realized that we have been living with a narcissistic parent who never really cared enough and is one of the main reasons that life is extra difficult now.
Then there's the undiagnosed possible ADHD hanging over my head. I have taken all the online tests, read a lot of articles, subscribed to newsletters, bought books, and joined conversation trails and feeds -- and every bit consistently indicates that I may have it.
This morning the impact of its effect on the totality of my life hit me and I was paralyzed in bed for quite a while before I could make myself move.
If you have the time, read this poem that encapsulates much of my struggles.
And then much of what is written here also hit a lot of nerves that triggered the realization of the enormity of the ruin of my life.
Take this website for instance. It's been around for a few years and I haven't progressed much with it nor have I gotten around to setting up the art shop. Yet those tasks are repeatedly looped in my to-do lists (currently I am hooked on Finch which I picked up from this article on ADHD-friendly apps) but somehow I never get around to getting the tasks done.
Is it time? I have long realized that while time does become a frequent challenge, my main problem is executive functioning. Layer that with anxiety and depression. There are days when the simple act of living can be such an effort.
Today is a holiday and my original plan was to put in some work hours to catch up on some backlog. But I was only able to attend a meeting and for most of the day, I battled with myself and my brain, not being productive and not making progress.
And because I wasn't able to do the planned work today, I have to do double tomorrow, which is also supposed to be a holiday.
I am also exhausted. So the desire to rest and do nothing is strong. And no matter how much I try I still feel guilty about rest, like I have to earn it and justify it.
Brain fog coming in. Been having it more than the usual in the past couple of months.
Is it still Long Covid? Is it PMDD?
Am I finally perimenopausal?
Life is very hard today.
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